My Concession Speech

BREAKING!

GUMSHOE 2006: NOMINEE SWIERCZYNSKI DELIVERS REMARKS

MAY 9, 2006

SPEAKER: DUANE SWIERCZYNSKI, VICE PRESIDENT OF SECRET DEAD BLOG, GUMSHOE AWARD FINALIST

Good morning.

Just moments ago, I spoke with Laura Lippman and congratulated her on becoming the fifth winner of the Gumshoe Award for Best Mystery, and I promised her that I wouldn't slash her tires or drop Visine into her iced tea.

I offered to meet with her as soon as possible so that we can start to heal the divisions of the mystery awards season and the contest through which we just passed.

Almost two years ago, Ken Bruen told Ian Rankin, who had just defeated him for the Edgar, "Ah, bollocks. Fookin' hell. Gra go mor."

Well, in that same spirit, I say to Laura Lippman that what remains of partisan rancor must now be put aside, and may God bless her stewardship of this Gumshoe.

Neither she nor I anticipated this long and difficult road. Certainly neither of us wanted it to happen. Yet it came, and now it has ended, resolved, as it must be resolved, through the honored institutions of the mystery genre.

Now Mystery Ink has spoken. Let there be no doubt, I strongly agree with the institution's decision. I mean hell... Laura rules. So I accept the finality of this outcome which will be ratified next Monday in David Montgomery's home office. And tonight, for the sake of our unity of the people and the strength of our democracy, I offer my concession.

Let me say how grateful I am to all those who supported me and supported the cause for which we have fought. The Bride and I feel a deep gratitude to Al and Donna Guthrie who brought passion and high purpose to our partnership and opened new doors, not just for our careers but for our souls.

Let no one see this contest as a sign of noir weakness. The strength of American noir is shown most clearly through the difficulties it can overcome. (Or not, as it were.)

I personally will be at Laura's disposal, and I call on all mystery writers -- I particularly urge all who stood with us to unite behind the Gumshoe Winner. This is Mystery Fiction, folks. Just as we fight hard when the stakes are high, we close ranks and stick a shiv in somebody when the contest is done. And then we dump the body somewhere near the Jersey Turnpike.

As for what I'll do next, I don't know the answer to that one yet. Like many of you, I'm looking forward to getting absolutely stinking drunk. So I'll probably do that later.

As for the battle that ends this morning, I do believe as my father once said, "What the hell is a Gumshoe?"

Now the Gumshoe struggle is over and we turn again to the unending struggle for the common good of all mystery readers and for those multitudes around the world who look to us for entertainment. And lots of dead bodies.

And now, my friends, in the words of Otto Penzler, it's time for me to "suck it up, big guy."

Thank you and good night.

I mean, morning.

(Big congrats, Laura. I was rooting for you all along.)